I have always had a quiet personality -- in the age old nature vs nurture debate I actually think it was a bit of both. I was born quiet, in fact my mother told me more than once that I was so quiet in the womb (in the days before ultrasound technology) that she thought I would be girl. But my quiet personality was reinforced by experiences I had growing up; it often seemed safer to keep my mouth shut. I did not have many friends growing up, and I was often made fun of.
I know what it is like to feel like an outcast, but I also know what it is like to have many wonderful friends. Starting with my junior year in high school I was blessed with many friends. I had wanted so badly to be accepted -- and I was! Yet I doubted myself; I doubted that I was really anything special, that I was anything but plain, quiet and even boring. Friends have told me that I was a “nice guy,” that I was thoughtful and kind, with a sense of humor and a smile for others when they needed one. I was viewed as a person of value, even great value, and I was loved, yet still I doubted myself.
A month before graduation, I started attending a missionary prep program put on by my stake. I would attend this program for eight months with meetings on Sunday mornings and Tuesday nights, plus many opportunities to teach mock discussions to members. My older brother was one of the teachers, which was a great blessing to me.
In August (after three months), however, I faced a bit of a crisis. The adversary was hitting me pretty hard, trying to discourage me from serving a mission, and many times I left Missionary Prep discouraged. I wasn't sure if I had the spirit with me as I taught those mock discussions and I was also having a hard time putting into practice what I was learning.
At one Tuesday night meeting, my brother raised a particular objection and I fumbled through an answer that had previously been taught to us. When I finished, my brother said “Excuse me?” That was a definite hit on my struggling confidence.
A friend who was in the program with me, and with whom I had taught a few mock discussions, told me that I taught so much with the spirit. But I still wasn't sure, in fact I was in awe of how well he taught. This guy had such a command of the first two discussions that he had many thoughts of his own to add to the principles being taught.
When my brother served his mission, the discussions were tightly scripted. The missionaries had to read the presentation word for word, and they were even directed at certain points to "look up and smile." New discussions were introduced by the time I was in Missionary Prep that allowed the missionaries a significant amount of flexibility. As long as we covered the principles of the discussion we could put them in our own words and even expand on them, within reason. Of course, we could also just repeat the principles word for word if we chose. My understanding is that Preach My Gospel encourages even more flexibility.
In any case, I was making the mistake of comparing myself to someone else. While I taught the principles more simply, that did not get in the way of having the spirit. Sometimes simplicity is a good thing, hence the KISS principle: Keep It Simple Stupid. In the final analysis, it is not flowery language or in-depth discussion that converts, it is the spirit. As a missionary I viewed myself simply as a conduit to information, and I specifically told my investigators not to take my word for anything; instead they should ask God in prayer if what we taught them was true.
My pre-mission crisis ended at the first Tuesday night meeting in September. As we were being taught that night, the spirit entered the room and I felt a mighty change come over me. I felt a calm assurance that I was learning and progressing and that all would be well if I continued to work hard. The clouds parted and the sun shined through, it was such a wonderful feeling.
Several weeks later, at another Tuesday night meeting, my brother raised the same objection that I had stumbled in answering back in August. This time I did not fumble through the answer. Instead I was clear and concise and even my brother was impressed. But now I was starting to have another problem, I was becoming too confident. In a few weeks I would be entering the MTC, and three weeks after that I expected to take the mission field by storm.
"Oh, it's hard to be humble, when you're perfect in every way."
When you start feeling that confident, duck.
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