Watch the Flank

Chancellorsville, May 2, 1863, 5:30 p.m.

The men of the XI Corps of the Army of the Potomac were sitting down to dinner when suddenly out of the woods on their right poured soldiers of the II Corps of the Army of Northern Virginia.  The rifles belonging to the Union soldiers were unloaded and stacked.  The first division on the line collapsed; the second division realigned from east-west to north-south, to face the onrushing Confederates, but they were quickly overwhelmed and the order to retreat was given.  The general commanding the XI Corps stood, waving a red flag, trying to rally his troops, but he only managed to gather a few small pockets of his soldiers before his corps disintegrated.

Several thousand men of the XI Corps were able to rally at Fairview, which lay across the road from the Chancellor mansion.  These brought artillery to bear against the lead division of the II Corp's attack; by this point, the soldiers of this division were becoming disorganized and the attack lost its impetus.  It was 7:15 p.m., and the flank attack had advanced more than 1.25 miles.  Fighting would continue after night fell, and the II Corps would lose its commander, the legendary Stonewall Jackson, to an incident of friendly fire, but the flank attack had accomplished its purpose, and the Army of Northern Virginia had won another of its storied victories against the Union Army.

The architect of this great victory was the venerable Robert E. Lee, who divided his army to send Jackson's corps around to attack the Union flank.  The movement of Jackson's men was masked by the dense forests of The Wilderness area which surrounded Chancellorsville.  The victory would force the Army of the Potomac to retreat back across the Rappahanock River; its commander would soon resign.  To follow-up his triumph, Lee took his army north into Pennsylvania, toward a rendezvous with destiny at a small town named Gettysburg.

Among the errors of the Union generals at Chancellorsville was the failure to secure their right flank against attack.  When digging in the night before the battle, the troops had created log breastworks, which would have been formidable had the Confederates elected to make a frontal assault.  On May 2, Lee did order an attack against the Union front, but only to fix it in place while Jackson moved around to the flank.

The lesson to take from this battle is the necessity to secure our "flank" against the assaults of the adversary.  We should not expect our enemy to assault only our well defended front, neither should we be lulled into to complacency when our front appears to be holding against the temptations and attacks of the adversary.  We may think we have dealt the foe a blow and driven him off as we have studied the scriptures, fasted and prayed, but the enemy will not rest, he will continue to look for a weak spot in our lines, and when he finds it, he will attack.

A couple of years ago, I was watching church videos on the Old Testament. One video was about Moses and the vision he saw.  After the vision, the adversary came to him to tempt him, demanding at one point that Moses worship him. Moses responded, "Who art thou, for I am a son of God." I was struggling with self esteem at the time, but when he said that it was as if I was hit by a bolt out of the blue.  "Of course" I said, "I am a child of God!"  I started telling Satan to take a hike, to go sell that line about low self worth to someone else because I was no longer buying it.

Not long after this I was reading the first book of Gerald Lund's Kingdom and the Crown trilogy, set during the time of the Savior's ministry. At one point Jesus asks a reluctant convert if he would ever walk away, and the convert says "No, because I know who you are." Sometime after that I faced some temptations "which so easily beset me" and as I resisted I heard the challenge "why?" I said, "because I know who I am and I know who He is." The temptations went away, and for a long time I was as strong as I have ever been.

I was able to keep this strength for a remarkably long time, and as a result I got complacent.  All the while, and rather subtly, the adversary was working on a weak spot he had found in my defenses.  Inevitably, I felt worn down and I succumbed to temptation.  After losing my Chancellorsville, I then had to fight many a difficult battle to regain the ground I lost.

But I did not have to fight alone, for in my weakness, when I humbled myself and exercised faith, God made me strong.  We need not rely on our own strength alone, for we have the strongest ally in our Lord and Savior, even Jesus Christ.  Because of our weakness, we may fail, but we can always return unto Him and cry out for forgiveness, and He will be there for us, with outstretched arms.

His Grace is Sufficient

I know that I have told this story before, but during the summer between my junior and senior years in high school I had a bit of a meltdown at a church softball game and, as it turned out, my father was their to see it.  That night I found a note on my pillow suggesting that I read Ether 12:27:

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

This scripture hit me like no other before or since; I had a lot of weaknesses, and I needed help.  The question, however, was how could I humble myself and exercise faith.  I remembered something I had heard my father say, “If you have questions, read the Book of Mormon.”  As it happened, we were going to be studying the Book of Mormon in seminary my senior year, so I thought I would get a jump on the school year and start reading Stick of Joseph right away.

At times I felt that it was a struggle to exercise faith, but there were also days when the Lord answered my prayers with needed help and with needed answers to some difficult questions.  Through the examples of great men such as Nephi, Alma, Captain Moroni, and others, I learned how to exercise faith and to humble myself.  I had faith in Jesus Christ, I knew that my Heavenly Father loved me, I loved both of them, and this brought happiness.  Still, there were some lessons that I needed to go on a mission to learn.

I was a shy and quiet boy; during my ninth grade year, I could only manage a smile when someone said “hi” to me in the halls at school.  As a sophomore, I had progressed to where I could say “hi” back, and by the end of the school year I could even have a short conversation with people.

One day I was sitting in the foyer at Bountiful High School when a girl walked up to me.  She introduced herself, though in fact she didn't have to; she was a cheerleader who had just won an election to be a student body officer, so I knew who she was – and I was more than a little surprised that she was talking to me.  A few days later, she again approached me as I sat in the foyer.  I was looking at a proof or contact sheet for some photos I had recently taken – this was long before digital photography – and she complimented me, saying that I was a good photographer.

If I was surprised the first time, I was even more so the second time she talked to me.  I doubted that I had made much of an impression the first time.  This girl continued to say “hi” to me during the rest of the school year, and I found her sunny personality to be infectious.  On the last day of school, she wrote in my yearbook:

“I just want you to know that I think you are such a neat guy and that I am so impressed with you!  You are a very kind person and that is a great talent!”

She was impressed with me?!  While I wrote above that I learned how to humble myself before the Lord, it wasn't that I thought so highly of myself, far from it.  I didn't have many friends before high school, and I often felt like an outcast.  I thought, as a matter of fact, that no one else had challenges like I did.  This was an inverse sort of pride, I guess.

As part of my progression from year to year, the natural next step was for me to take the initiative, to be the first to say “hi” to people.  This girl gave me a great gift, the courage to actually do that.  I have written in the past about how a how "by small and simple things, great things are brought to pass"; how a small ray of light, or smile can make a huge difference (http://thewholemissionary.blogspot.com/2014/06/a-small-ray-of-light.html), this girl reaching out to me, followed by what happened next is an example of this phenomenon.

When my junior year started, I followed through with my goal to take the initiative, and the most amazing thing happened.  As I was more outgoing with those who I already knew, other people started reaching out to me.  Having met more people, that just meant there were more friends to be outgoing with.  From there it snowballed until I had become part of a rather large group of friends, something I had never imagined to be possible.

Even so, I still had issues.  I could not see myself as anything but plain and quiet, maybe even boring.  As noted, I also persisted in thinking that no one had challenges like I did.  It was remarkable, in some ways, how much I progressed in high school, while yet seeming to lag so far behind.

One of the new friends I made during my junior year really stood out.  When we met she appeared to lack confidence in herself; but then I watched as her confidence grew and she became, in my opinion, the prettiest girl in school – and one of the reasons, perhaps, was that she didn't realize how pretty she was.  She, too, would win an election to become a student body officer.  She, too, would make a big difference in my life.  She would say to me once that we all had down times, we all had moments when we felt inadequate, but we are the master of our own soul, we have the capacity to choose how we feel.  We should choose to feel good and happy rather than down and depressed.

I have always been a walking contradiction, it seems, artistic yet conventional, creative yet uniform.  I still entertained many doubts about myself as I left on my mission, yet at the same time, because of eight months in a missionary prep program, I had so much confidence in my ability teach.  I thought I would take the mission field by storm.  I was ahead of the other elders in my MTC district, having had plenty of opportunities to teach the first and second discussions to members, yet I was socially clueless.

I made the mistake of correcting my companion in front of other people and it ruined the companionship.  He naturally got upset at what I had done, but then he took me aside to apologize for it.  I, who was actually the one at fault, could not find the the words to apologize.  After the MTC, I was a bit more cautious going into my first area; actually, I over-corrected, becoming even quieter than I had been the previous couple of years.  And my quiet personality turned out to be a great trial for my trainer!

I figure that, because of the overconfidence I had in my ability to do the work, that the Lord decided I needed to be humbled, so he sent me to Palo Alto.  This community, which is right next to Stanford University, is rather affluent, and the work there, at that time, was extremely slow.  Add to that, the difficulties I had with my trainer.  He and his previous companion had just had a baptism, right before my arrival and, as he put it, that was their entire teaching pool.  Over a period of four months, with three different companions, I taught but one standard discussion, and that was a few days before I transferred out.

Things would get better, but there were other challenges ahead.  I wrote home from my second area in month five that it appeared that no one else had challenges like I did.  My brother wrote back and gave me the proverbial slap upside the head that I needed.  He stated that I was not unique because of my challenges but for other reasons.  After reading that I felt as if my eyes had been opened, and for the next week or so I saw the challenges my companion and other fellow missionaries were experiencing, and I saw the truth of my brother's words.

About the same time, though I thought I had a testimony when I left on my mission, I found myself on my knees one night pleading for witness from the spirit.  After some difficulty, as I think my faith and sincerity were being tested, I got the witness I sought.  It was as if a match had been lit in the dark of night, and the despair and doubt fled, and the light that flowed into me increased until it nigh consumed me.  And I knew, really knew, in a way I had not before.

And a few weeks later it all came together, the faith, the confidence, the humility, and the testimony.  We made a call back on a couple that we had tracted into, and as we entered their living room I saw a stack of books next to the husband's chair.  I knew right then that we were in trouble.  For the next hour he fired one challenge after another at us, and we answered as best we could, but then, guided by the spirit, I kind of took over.  I told the story of receiving that witness from the spirit and bore the most powerful testimony I could, and I withstood the challenges they both threw back at me.  The wife got so angry at one point that she almost threw her copy of the Book of Mormon at me!

After we left, my companion turned to me and said, “You are amazing.”  But it wasn't me, it was the spirit.  Just as God strengthened my niece as she played that Steinway (see yesterday's post: http://thewholemissionary.blogspot.com/2014/07/because-in-my-weakness-god-made-me.html), He had strengthened me as I bore witness of the truth of the restored gospel.  He had made weak things become strong!

Though he made me strong, yet I remained weak.  Were it not so, I could not have stayed humble.  When filled with the spirit, I could bear a mighty testimony, yet I continued to entertain so many doubts about myself.  I still had occasions when I felt inadequate.  I still made mistakes.

We are all human and therefore we all have weaknesses, and as Paul said, "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23).  We need not think that we are better than others for there is plenty of evidence to the contrary.

We all have down times and occasions when we feel inadequate.  We should always strive to be humble, meek and submissive.  Only then can we have the spirit to guide us, only then can we teach with the spirit.  We should never try to rely on our own understanding, or on our own knowledge of the scriptures or of gospel principles.  We should always strive to have the spirit, and to rely on God.  When we do that, as my niece and I can attest, amazing things can happen.

"Because In My Weakness, God Made Me Strong."

My niece has reached the halfway point in the Provo MTC, and once again I feel to quote from her weekly email home.  She is such a rock star missionary!

My niece and her district were invited to perform in a weekly devotional, then last Thursday they heard that the devotional would be held in the Marriot Center on the BYU campus.

"Talk about humbling right?" wrote my niece.  "Especially because, I, Sister Cox, had the opportunity to play the Grand Piano which is a Steinway signed by Steinway and other amazing pianists! So I'm feeling mega denaro blessed right? Well wait, there's more."

The song they would perform was a rendition of the hymn Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me.  "I was so so nervous to perform in front of 2,000 missionaries and our devotional speaker," wrote Sister Cox.  "I was so nervous because I wouldn't count myself as an incredible pianist. I play hymns and I play easy arrangements of hymns and that's about it. I'm not what I would consider a 'performer.'"

I am sure that we have all experienced feelings of inadequacy.  It's a fact of life, we are human, we are weak.  What would you do to prepare in the face of such feelings?  My niece prepared by reading two scriptures that have become favorites:

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

"Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

And

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (Philippians 4:13).

I particularly liked the scripture in 2 Corinthians, for it recalls my favorite scripture, Ether 12:27:

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

Having read the two New Testament scriptures quoted above, my niece humbled herself in prayer and exercised faith.  "Heavenly Father, I have worked so hard on this," she said, "we all have. Bless us with strength beyond our own. I am so weak, make me strong. I'm doing this to glorify Thee, I need Thee to do even that."

My niece then tells the rest of the story:

"Usually when I perform my hands shake and I can't think as clearly as I like. But my fingers touched that gorgeous Steinway (I'm totally in love) and all the nerves left. Everything. I played that piece perfectly and if any of you know anything about music, there is no such thing as 'performing perfectly.' But I repeat. I played it perfectly with strength beyond my own. Because in my weakness, God made me strong.

"I testify of a living and loving Heavenly Father who not only hears our prayers, but answers them. He is so in the details of my life that He sat along side me on the piano and strengthened me to perform. He is so real.

"My prayer is that you will find the strength and faith to ask for help. He will help you. He wants to help you. He is ALWAYS there. I know it, I know it, I know it.

"I love this Gospel, it is sooo true. He is real, of Him I testify of, in His name, even our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, amen."

Again, I add my testimony to hers.  His grace is sufficient for all of us if we will humble ourselves before Him and exercise faith in Him.  If we will do that, then will He makes weak things become strong.  That we will do this is my prayer, in His name, the Master, even Jesus Christ, amen.

Week 1: A Sock Story

What would it have looked like if I had had a missionary blog?

January 19, 1988

Dear family,

Life is great here at the MTC.  It's hard to believe I've been here a whole week.  The spirit is so strong here, and I'm learning a lot.

I got mom's letter today; I was in the cafeteria with my comp and other members of my district when our DL brought in the mail.  It was just like a sailor overseas, getting word from home.  It was exciting.

My comp and I are at the BYU Health Center checking his swollen ankles.  It seems that his socks are too tight and are cutting off circulation

My companion is a big, hefty guy from Mesa, Arizona; we get along pretty well.

Right now we are on the shuttle back to the MTC -- thank heavens!  The minute you're off the MTC campus, the spirit weakens, if it doesn't leave you altogether.

We had a gospel studies class on Sunday; the lesson was on the Book of Mormon and its origins.  It was a great meeting.  By the way, do you know why the Nephites had such big muscles? Scripture chasing with the brass plates.  Ha ha.

I'm now watching the sunset outside my window.  I've got my camera ready.

Yesterday we had a large group meeting.  We watched The First Vision and The Restoration of the Priesthood.  The spirit was so strong in that meeting, it was the greatest.  After watching the videos we had a testimony meeting.  Wow!

The sunset was great.  I got a few good shots.

It is now Wednesday, and P-day, so I can legally write this letter.

As a district we went to the Temple this morning.  A funny thing happened.  As we ere leaving the locker room for the chapel, I realized that I had left my recommend in my locker, so I went back to get it, only to find that my locker was jammed!  After about five minutes I finally managed to get my locker open, but by the time I got to the chapel, my district had gone into the session.  I had to wait ten minutes for the next session, which I went through without my comp.  Oops!

Well, that about covers it.  I miss everybody.

Love Douglas

January 20, 1988

Dear Geoff,

I am writing you and the prep class.  I got your letter today while I was doing laundry.  Yes, the time does go quick.  I'm learning a lot here so I should be able to Phi Slamma Jamma in San Jose.  It's too bad I missed float night, but you're right, I wouldn't trade places with anybody.

I guess I got lucky on companions.  My comp is a big guy from Mesa, Arizona.  He's a good guy.  Here's a funny companion story:

Yesterday we went over to the BYU Health Center.  My comp's ankles were sore and swollen.  Well, his socks were too tight and were cutting off circulation.  My comp now has to dump all his black socks, but he doesn't have any other socks to wear.

After our cultural orientation meeting last night, an elder came up to me and asked if I had noticed that my companion wasn't wearing socks.  I said yes and he asked why.  When I told him he said that he was wondering whether my comp could afford socks.  He then said that he would have been willing to help buy some socks for my comp.

On the one hand, that was really kind of cool.  I guess it goes to show just how much people care about each other here.  On the other hand, it was also kind of funny.  I couldn't stop laughing on the way back to our room.

One last thought before I close: that black name tag I wear is to me just like a naval aviator's wings of gold.  It's an honor to me that I can wear it, that I can be a missionary in the service of my heavenly father.  Just think, I can be an instrument in God's hands.  It's the greatest.

Love
Douglas

Adventure and Opportunity

My father served his mission in South Africa, including both Johannesburg and Cape Town.  My older brother served his mission in England, the London South Mission, which included everything south of the Thames, plus Oxford.  When I put my papers in for my mission, I was thinking "Australia" -- it is part of the Commonwealth.  Instead, I was called to the California San Jose Mission, the Bay Area.  Instead of going overseas, I went just some 750 miles from home.

I was not the only elder in the San Jose mission to have wished for a call to somewhere more exotic.  One of my companions had wanted to go to Japan.  Elder Friend was from Toronto, Canada -- so at least he went to a foreign country -- and he was fascinated by many aspects of Asian culture.  We served together for two months in Seaside, California, which was then sandwiched between Monterey and the U.S. Army's Fort Ord (long since closed).

At least a few days a week, Friend and I would pass by a sushi bar, and this naturally interested my companion.  One day, about lunch time, he suddenly said, "I want to try that sushi bar."  Sushi?  You mean, raw fish?  But after thinking about it for a moment, I decided that I was game enough to try it.  When we told our server that we had never tried sushi before, she suggested a few "conservative" options, probably salmon and/or tuna, which were served to us on a bed of rice.

There may be some confusion regarding the word sushi, which is often used interchangeably with the word sashimi, at least in some countries.  Sashimi is thinly sliced raw meat and served without rice; sushi is not raw fish, but actually vinegared rice that is mixed with other ingredients, which may or may not include raw fish.  Common types of sushi include norimaki or "sushi roll" of which the "California roll" is quite popular.  Fair warning for those who haven't tried sushi or sashimi, be careful of the green spread which is called Wasabi, it is very hot, and a very small amount can go a very long way.

In California in the late 1980s, sushi was a trendy food item that Elder Friend and I could try.  For many missionaries, serving around the world, there will be opportunities to try different, even bizarre foods.  For some those bizarre foods may even be the primary source of nutrition available in the areas in which they serve.

I spoke once with a missionary who had served in Japan; according to him the mission president became concerned that his missionaries were becoming malnourished.  The solution the president came up with was to teach the missionaries how to mix fruits and other ingredients with tofu in order to get the nutrition they needed.

A few weeks after we went to the sushi bar, we tracted into a Buddhist who invited us to a meeting that night to be held in their home.  Elder Friend quickly agreed, but it wasn't just because of his fascination with Asian culture, he had been wanting to visit a meeting at another Christian church as well.

With my previous companion, I had attended the meeting of another church at the invitation of one of our investigator.  For the first half hour I thought I was at a concert instead of at church as the congregation stood and sang along with tapes of gospel music -- they didn't have any musicians that day, but the tapes had been "blessed."  When I later told the story to Elder Friend, he wanted a similar experience, and one evening we walked into one of the churches near our apartment; but when we heard the commotion inside we changed our minds.

If I thought that church with the "blessed" tapes was strange, it had nothing on the Buddhist meeting.  I do not say that to bash or criticize these churches and religions, it was just culture shock.  For the first half hour or so, the people at this meeting chanted out of a small book; this was followed by a testimonial, where participants got up to speak about the benefits of chanting.  After the testimonials, there was a question and answer session, and Elder Friend asked several questions.

After the meeting we stayed for another hour socializing while refreshments were served. My companion and I split up and I chatted with Linda on the topic of prayer versus chanting. She told her story and I related mine. We alternated back and forth, and as we talked I taught her a first discussion.  Back then the first discussion started with a few thoughts about God and Jesus Christ, before introducing Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon; each principle seemed to fit naturally as a counterpoint in my conversation with Linda

Linda invited us back for another meeting on Monday and I invited her to church on Sunday. It was an interesting evening. There are a lot of things about Buddhism that are similar to Christianity, except for one very important difference.

By the night of the Buddhist meeting, I had been out for six and a half months, but thanks to the missionary prep program I attended before leaving on my mission, I had been teaching the first discussion for over a year -- to members and non members.  As a result of my experience, I could tailor the principles of the first discussion to fit the conversation I was having with Linda.  I also had experience in relying on and teaching with the spirit, and I had just enough boldness to go for it.