Not long after arriving in the mission field, I was studying at the kitchen table of my first apartment. My district leader, who lived in that apartment, was also sitting at the table and eating some dates. When he offered me a date I replied that I had come on a mission to avoid that kind of thing.
My last post talked about giving up things like television, the Internet, video games, and social media while serving a mission. Today I am going to write about givig up something else.
When I was in high school, the bishop of my ward, one of his counselors, and my priest quorum advisers counseled me to wait until after my mission to have a girlfriend. I have to confess that I was slow to heed this advice, and experienced some heartbreak because of it.
When I started high school there was one girl that I really liked, and I thought, perhaps, that she might also like me. I had become acquainted with her two years earlier at a stake dance; she was always nice and friendly to me, which was not something I experienced from other girls I knew. I think it was the second day of my sophomore year that we met up and walked home together. I can still see her blond hair as it was highlighted by the mid-afternoon sun, and I can see her smile. Every time I was around her I had this wonderful feeling, and I think I may have started falling for her.
But there was a small problem, I had decided to wait until I turned 16 to start dating -- another bit of counsel often given by church leaders -- and that was still a few months off. Alas, the day finally came, and I asked this girl to the Junior Prom. On reflection, it was probably not the best idea to make such a big event like a prom my first ever date. But I asked her, she said yes and, for me at least, it was a magical evening. I waited a few weeks before asking her out again, but this time she said she was busy, and from the way she said it I did not feel encouraged to ask her again.
She had always been so nice and friendly, but that changed after the prom. Sometimes she was still friendly, but other times she was distant, even cold. When she was friendly, I might have felt a little encouraged, perhaps that she might still like me, only to then experience the cold. We went for a walk one day in the spring, and I thought we both had a good time so, again after a couple of weeks, I asked her out. Once again she said that she was busy. At that point I probably should have walked away, but I was experiencing some very strong emotions that I just didn't know how handle, and for the next two years I continued to bounce back and forth between hope and despair over this girl.
Even as I did, I tried to move forward. I met another girl, and this time I told myself that I would be more careful. I wanted to build a solid friendship before I asked her out, and I did, waiting until the following winter when I asked her to . . . the Junior Prom. She didn't answer right away, and I started to worry that she might not answer at all. Finally, however, she called me to say that she would love to go to the prom with me.
The following day I asked if she would help me with an assignment I had that week for my photography class, which was to take some outside portraits. I thought we might also talk about plans for the dance. While she agreed, she later told me that she did not like having her picture taken. That night she called me again, only this time it was to say that she only wanted friendship and that she could not go to the dance with me. I was stunned, and devastated.
The only good thing about this was that I knew where I stood with her. After a few months I called her up to ask if we could talk. As we did we learned something about friendship and became better friends because of it.
In the aftermath of this experience I finally decided to heed the counsel I had been given repeatedly to wait until after my mission to have a girlfriend. As noted, I was still experiencing some difficulty with the first girl, and sometimes we would have trouble just trying to be friends. I still had those strong feelings, and I kept telling myself that I couldn't just walk away. In the end, her family moved away, and only then could I begin to forget about her.
If I had it all to do over again, I would have heeded the counsel sooner of waiting until after my mission. I would have gone on as many dates as I could have with as many different girls as I could. No strings, no expectations, just a date.
While it has been heard of, very few actually marry their high school sweethearts and live happily ever after. As the motivational speaker Hyrum Smith once said, "Only one in a hundred wait."
Apparently the one out of a hundred was reserved for my last district leader. I made the mistake one day of pressuring him to read a loud the Christmas card she sent him. I was by then just a few weeks away from returning home, and I wanted a girl to say the kind of things to me that she wrote to him. On my birthday a member family made me a cake, complete with lighted candles, and before I blew them out I wished that I would soon have a girlfriend.
As it would happen, there were still some difficult days ahead, but that's another story. Since only one out of a hundred wait, many missionaries get Dear John letters, and their broken hearts may interfere with the work. Some may never really recover while in the mission field. How much better it would be to avoid such a possibility in the first place. There will be time enough later for relationships.
Now, there are some who might not need the same counsel I needed. Some may be like my last district leader, and may have already found that one girl in a hundred. Some may be more mature than I was in high school, and thus better able to handle the strong emotions that I could not.
I really thought I loved that girl, but eight months into my mission I had an experience which made it clear to me that I never had. A lunch appointment with a stake missionary, who had some health challenges to deal with, got me thinking about love, and the spirit taught me something. If you love someone, you will put their happiness ahead of your own.
Link to post about that stake missionary lunch appointment: http://thewholemissionary.blogspot.com/2012/10/love-one-another.html
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